Cooking up a disaster.

Somewhere along the line I missed the boat when it comes to cooking.

At some stage everyone else took it on as a sort of hobby and became good at it, with discerning taste and signature dishes. I'm not sure what I was doing at the time. Maybe watching TV or reading chess books.

Whatever the case, it is now up there with not having a licence in my list of 'things I wish I could do better'. I partially blame my flatmates. In the last few years I have flatted with people who are very good cooks (Rebecca, Svend, Ange) and have deferred to them at any possible chance. There is also the element of fear when cooking for such an audience. Us incompetant cooks know we are crap, and hate the thought of inflicting this on other people (especially people who are critical food consumers). We are happy cooking for other incompetants and can take the piss out of ourselves quites easily. My brother used to say of his creations, 'Eat it quick - imagine how much worse it is when it's cold!'

My friend Merv has a theory that there are two types of cooks: those who cook to cook and those who cook to eat. I certainly fall in the latter category. I just want the food to get in my belly. I'm not particularly fussy about how it gets there - if it's quicker to just slap a side-sauce on it than marinade it, that's what I'll bloody do. If I can get a decent effect by using a jar of pre-made sauce and just mixing it with some meat and rice, that's all good with me.

The only person in recent years who has shared my incompetance in this area is Nicky. She had me over for dinner once and made tuna-curry-pasta. A very odd dish. And not in a good way. She used to cook on a Monday in our flat and it became known as 'Easy-bake Monday' as she, like myself, is a fan of the pre-made food options.

Things I can do in the kitchen
- chop (I enjoy chopping, actually)
- make salads (you can't go wrong with raw stuff)
- open bottles/packets
- make sandwiches
- make popcorn in my fancy machine

The embarrassment of not being able to cook well has extended as I have aged. While I'm very good at going to restaurants and ordering stuff, or drinking copious amounts of alcohol, my peers are now entering the 'pot-luck dinner' phase of life. I think that starts in earnest when you're 30. There are also shared lunches at school where I keep rather valiently offering to bring the drink, cups and serviettes to get out of having to cook.

And then there's the sad fact that all the boys I have dated recently have cooked better than me. Matt has cooked for me lots and I find it very attractive how he walks purposefully around the kitchen, grabbing spices and implements. I like how he improvises but also has a scrap-book of family recipes and owns the same Jamie Oliver cookbook I bought on a whim (and used twice). I wonder what qualities I posess that make up for my lack of attractiveness in this area......... If I can't compensate somehow I'll be in deep trouble somewhere down the line......

Ange offered to help me cook a meal for Matt and hide before he comes around to eat it, so that he thinks it was all my doing. Has it really come to that???

I need to make a resolution to learn how to cook better. Surely it must be something that improves with practice. I have just never practised. And it must be something that improves with routine.... I've never been good with routines either. I am good at following instructions and measuring things. That must be a good starting point. And I have a wealth of knowledge at my fingertips because I know lots of people who cook good......

I need help.

Question One
How do you make perfect rice? I have had a lot of different advice over the years. I am confused.