Dialogue - anyone can write it!

So, in 'The Room', Tommy uses dialogue to tell the story. Literally. And as Richard pointed out, if he thinks the audience might have missed something (which would be impossible with the sledge-hammer subtlty of the film) he'll repeat it in the next scene.

Say, for example there is a scene where Tommy wants to establish that Lisa (Johnny's fiance) is really in love with Mark, but that it is wrong because Mark is Johnny's best friend... the dialogue would go something like this:

Lisa: Hi Mark - I'm in love with you.
Mark: But I can't do anything.... Johnny's my best friend.
Lisa: But I want your body. I'm not in love with him anymore.
Mark: But he's my best friend!
Lisa: I know he's your best friend, but I don't love him anymore.

Genius. As I tell my classes, 'Show, don't tell'.

It is pointed out so many times that Mark is Johnny's best friend that it is custom to yell 'Johnny's your best friend!' any time Mark comes on the screen.

Classic Dialogue - Top Five
1. 'Oh, hi!'

The movie is pretty much a series of people entering and exiting rooms (usually 'The Room' but sometimes the rooftop too). Every time anyone comes in, they are greeted with, 'Oh, hi [insert name]'. Never any surprise or note of bitterness over the fact that these people just keep turning up uninvited.

A classic example follows - Johnny goes up to the tiny rooftop ranting to himself, and about 10 seconds later notices that Mark is up there too. It's easy to miss someone up there....


2. What's in your pocket?

At the surprise party, a mysterious new character turns up and starts talking to everyone like he's a main character. In the credits he comes up as 'Steven' but in reality he got given Peter's lines when the actor left mid-shoot. Tommy didn't feel this needed to be explained or that the script might need amending.... nobody will notice.....

Anyhow, check out this BURN from Mark.



Hell yeah, I'm gonna use that next time someone says something stupid in my comments.

3. Unecessary Redundancies

Lisa: Did you get your promotion?
Johnny: Nah.
Lisa: You didn't get it, did you?
4. Johnny is Smart and So is Lisa
Johnny's response on walking in to The Room to find there's a surprise birthday party for him.

Johnny: Thank you honey, this is a beautiful party! You invited all my friends. Good thinking!

Bonus quote: Tommy researched what people do all day at the bank, so make Johnny's career seem believable. Followed by a masterful deflection question that seamlessly fit into the conversation.

Mark: How was work today?
Johnny: Oh pretty good. We got a new client... at the bank. We make a lot of money.
Mark: What client?
Johnny: I can not tell you, it's confidential.
Mark: Oh come on. Why not?
Johnny: No I can't. Anyway, how is your sex life?

5. Sexy Talk

It realls does sound like a soft-porn....

Lisa: I just wanted to hear your sexy voice. I keep thinking about your strong hands around my body. It excites me so much.

Space Age

They have promised it for years. Since the Jetsons and Star Trek, I have been eagerly awaiting the 'future'.

Now, at work, I finally feel I am there.

We are now able to [drum-roll please]..... enter the roll by computer! No more grudgingly spending 5 minutes after school scrawling out the names of all the kids who were away. No siree.

My life has changed. I will never again have to get to 4pm, about to leave, and curse at the 'bloody yellow sheet' I have forgotten to fill in. Never again!

Goodbye, Yellow Sheet!

* * *

And Clayton was found guilty. There is sense. And no more 'provocation'. Good good. And for purposely being a dickhead during his trial, he now has death-threats. Give you something to think about.

* * *

My Wolverine-claw scares the cat. My claws are bigger than his. And they go 'cha-ching' when I extend them. He is in awe of my awesomeness.

* * *

And the Elf-Girl..... has written all her poems about elves. I very seriously said, 'Didn't we agree only two of them would be about elves?' and she corrected me saying, 'But that one's just about a dragon.'

I am ignorant. Elves, fairies, dragons .... aren't they all the same?

I may well be the meanest teacher ev-er.

Must-see Movie - Unintentional Genius

Rich had given me a list of movies he wanted to see at the Film Festival. There were only a couple I could actually go to, so I said I'd see 'The Room' with him. I knew nothing about it, other than that the short review in the guide said it was the 'Citizen Kane of bad films' which seemed a lofty compliment. And it said it was directed/written/produced/funded by (for $6million) and starred an eccentric and somewhat hideous man, Tommy Wiseau.

To be honest, I wasn't that fussed about it, but fancied a night out at a potentially weird film. Richard apologised-in-advance for it, as he suspected it might be a flop. Sam sniggered at us and said he was definitely not going to this one.

How wrong could we all be!

IT WAS AMAZING!

To tell you the truth, I have much trepidation about writing a review of it, because I know I will not do it justice. But I will attempt do share the joy that was 'The Room' by Tommy Wiseau.

1. The Theatre

There is a definite difference between a good film and a good movie-going-experience. Rich and I will often go to a very good film, which we'll admit we enjoyed on a cinematic and philosophical level, but would not recommend to many people we know. When we walked out of this film, still laughing, we were already talking about buying a copy of it and forcing our friends to watch

('Morgan would love how perfectly bad it is.... Michelle loves bad movies anyhow - so many quotes for her to learn!..... Sam will have to admit that he made a mistake!').

Back to the movie-going experience, then.

Everything seemed relatively normal until people started giving out packs of plastic spoons.

Large pockets of people burst into applause when the 'Wiseau Productions' logo came onto the screen. The guy introducing the film on the mic had warned that people in Auckland had been yelling out lines of their favourite dialogue before it happened and had some off as cocks..... The anticipation was high at this point.

Somewhere in the first ten minutes, on cue, hundreds of plastic spoons were thrown at the screen as everyone chorused 'SPOONS!'.

A spoon landed fortuitously on my lap, which I kept as a momento. Another one hit me on the side of the head, but I didn't mind. Rich figured out part-way through the film at what moments they were doing it and I've found clips of similar screenings on youtube.





2. Actors
The actors, from the very first soft-porn scene, were terrible. To be fair, in terms of plot and dialogue, they didn't have much to work with, so it was only partially their fault.

The director/actor played the lead role of 'Johnny'. He has a European accent, something akin to what Arnold Schwartenager sounded like in his earliest films. He seemed to emphasise the wrong words and had huge pauses at odd moments. And he had a fake laugh, where he tilted his head back, which he did some 300 times in the film (someone counted). Apparently most of his dialogue had to be redubbed, so he looks oddly ninja-like in that his timing is a little off.

From his very first line of dialogue I had to join in with the laughter. I'm not a laugh-out-loud at movies kinda girl, normally. But this one had me at 'hello' (or 'oh, hi!').

On top of his terrible line-delivery, he's an odd looking man. He looks like a 45 year old who's had a lot of surgery to try to look 30 and the end result is somewhat grotesque. In the sex scenes, you can see his 'muscles', which are oddly lumpy and look like cellulite has been injected into muscle-pockets around his body. As director, he is drawn to close-up shots of his own clenching buttocks during the sex scenes. He is really clenching, too. There are fist-sized dimples in his buttocks cheeks. No body doubles in this film.

It really does come across as a soft-porn made by a rich guy who wanted to do a wee project with his buddies, none of whom could act. Yet, having read reviews, this apparently was something like 12 years in the planning. And he auditioned people. He has written a play and novel of the same title. He is actually trying.....

Here is one of the best bits of acting from him in the movie:



To be continued.....

Watch out for the terrible dialogue, continuity gaffs and culdersac plot lines.

And here's a link to another review that puts it well, to all those smug people who don't want to see 'another bad movie' (it even has a rap video homage to 'The Room').

Back at school. It's ok.

I wore jeans on Friday. Got a couple of comments about how it looked casual. Other people wear jeans all the time. Truth is, only reason I don't usually wear jeans is because I'm too fat for most of mine. Just got a new pair that's fairly generously proportioned. Hence I wore them.

* * *

Had my Logan Brown dinner. Nice! Free Logan Brown is the best. I had fish croquettes, roast pork and a chocolate pot. They all had fancier names than that, of course. I'm a fan of the $40 bistro menu, and I didn't even feel hungry afterwards.

* * *

Went to a Film Fest movie with Rich and Sam today. It was decent. It was probably a little more Hollywood-y in its formula than your usual Film Fest fare, but it was good. Had some interesting religious tussles in it. The slave guy was hot.

Going to another one tonight - the review said it is the 'Citizen Cane of bad movies'. Awesome!

* * *

I love chewing gum. Makes me feel like I'm on speed or something.

* * *

Having Japanese for dinner again tonight. Bring it on! In about the last month I've had Japanese take-aways from my local, gone to two different restaurants and rocked it at the sushi-train with Cass (who was a sushi-train virgin). Turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so.

* * *

I'm really slow at the moment. I was totally rubbish at netball and basketball this week. Slower than usual even. And no reserves of energy. I think I'm old. And out of shape. And stuff.

* * *

Erm. What else...... Nothing really. My Levin friends had a baby called Thomas. None of you would know them, though. Lynne got out of hospital last weekend after about four or five days in there. Sounded ok. I'll have to go down and visit them all soonish.

* * *

Looking forward to a weekend away next week - Justin's 30th. He's sent us a menu and drinks list - awesome! I think we're all just gonna be drunk, playing poker.

* * *

Though I still refuse to read the books, as an actually literate person, I do admit to liking the Twilight movies. Not for their cinematic qualities, but for the angst and sexual tension between the young hotties. I'm embracing the cougar within. I may have mentioned this. I will now openly defend the hotness of Jacob and deride anyone who is loyal to Edward.

* * *

I was explaining the whole Naspter/Metallica thing and was happy that kids in my class actually knew who Metallica were (whereas I had to explain that Napster was kinda like Limewire, 'cause they hadn't heard of that website before).

* * *

I'm texting like there's no tomorrow at the moment. Gotta use up my 300 free Two-Degrees texts before the month is up! Feel free to send me non-transactional texts - I may actually reply! Makes me feel like Santa Claus, generously replying willy-nilly to texts I'd usually file in the no-response-necessary basket.

* * *

Roger that.



Over and out, Big Mama.

Svend brings up a good point. If the Spice Girls are to the younger generation what Abba was to us...... what else can we compare.....

Maybe the Jimi Hendrix of our generation was Jeff Buckley. Maybe Jack Johnson was the Donavan.

Alanis Morisette was the the Janis Joplin (though a poor substitute), or maybe Tracy Chapman is better. Britney Speares was the Judy Garland.

I can't quite figure out who Nirvana equal.

You're not a unique and beautiful snowflake, buddy.

I find some psychopaths and criminals fascinating. I was that kid who got out books on serial killers from the library. I read all about Ted Bundy and the Boston Strangler. I admire Hanibal Lector as I see him in films.

The murderer currently in our nation's news is quite uninteresting, though (irritating, but uninteresting). There's something pathetic about someone so desperate to be studied or looked at as a special case. He has put himself on display and seems to almost sit on the stand smugly saying, 'Aren't I fascinating?' when he's really just someone you'd meet and say, 'Wow - he's a bit of a dick.'

Obviously a dick to the point that he's unstable and not fit to be amongst people. My resident law-graduate says there's not much hope of him getting his manslaughter conviction, which comforts me.

As is now the focus of the trial, all of this may well have been hammed for the benefit of his defence, which hinges on his being narcissistic.

I read someone's take on why the 'provocation' loophole should be closed up. Seemed logical. I like to think there are no circumstances under which someone could provoke me to murder them.

Prisons seem to be filled with people who have some kind of mental illness or trauma inflicted on them, so you can to an extent feel sorry for a lot of them. You could make an extreme case for them all being victims. It's this logic that makes me agree that we shouldn't have a death penalty. But, if someone can't control themselves to the point that they're a danger to other people, they should certainly be in jail.

To me, that's the purpose of jail. It's not so much a punishment for criminals as it is a safeguard to society. We have a kind of delicate balance where we have to trust that other people will respect our basic rights. Laws can only go so far in ensuring this, so we have to believe that people around us have empathy and control.

Anyhow. I digress.

In short, send him to jail. For a long time. But don't write a book about him. I'm sure if anyone did, he'd offer to sign copies of it from his jail-cell and write the foreword himself.

* * *

Ultimate - a synonym for 'supreme'?

Cassie's little brother finds good pages to link to.

This page is funny. This entry is funny especially because I have played Ultimate and I am white! And, come to think of it, my team was pretty much white too.

Whipper Snappers

The mid-week basketball league has two things that go against my team. Firstly, they used to have a rule where no inter-city players could play in it during the winter season. My team has no inter-city players, so that's good for us. It means the other teams have a lot more old ladies in them. Back in those days we even made the finals of the top grade occasionally.

They don't have that rule anymore. So we're playing the best players in Wellington sometimes. And the teams tend to be stacked, rather than just have one or two good players. They flock to the same clubs (not ours).

Secondly, the league starts off with a mixed A and B division, then splits mid-season after grading games. We usually fall just bellow the middle of the pack, so we have a nice time in B grade.

This season the team that's usually the whipping-boy of A grade 'lost' their game to us (we have conspiracy theories) which meant we went up to A grade.

Holy crap.

We're playing kids in their 20s who train and full court press. We do ok inside on defence, but these teams play set plays where they pretty much swing it around the court to get 3 pointers in the corner, or they fast break. A lot.

In this picture, I'd like to say it's the red reflecting off my shirt... but it's not. This is 20 minutes after our game. I had no subs all game. We were playing a team of mostly Asian girls, with two giants (Polynesian/Asian hybrids). We were only down 15-10 after about the first quarter.

Then they full-court pressed and went on a 50-4 run.

Ouch.

I caught some little five foot Chinese girls on fast breaks and blocked them. That was the only high point in an awful game.

And this is pretty typical of the A grade. Last week we lost by 20 against the Under 17 Wellington team (which has junior NZ players in it) and we felt pretty good.

I'm tired.

Highlights

1. The Walk

One of the most important moments for the maid of the bride is the walk down the aisle. At the rehearsal the photographer and celebrant both berated me for walking too fast when it was my turn. So that was something to concentrate on.

Then on the day, when not wearing my sneakers this time, I realised the hazard of walking down a grassy aisle between two grapevines. My stilettos sunk pretty much all the way into the dirt. Sarah had advised beforehand that I needed to walk on my toes to avoid sinking in. There were also huge cracks in the paving stones once you reached the court-yard, which I had to make my way across somehow. The whole time I was repeating a mantra to myself of, 'Walk on your toes. Not too fast. Avoid the cracks. Smile.' I'm sure I looked elegant and relaxed....

I had romantic visions of losing a shoe Cinderella style, but it didn't happen.

By the end of the ceremony I really was wondering why Sarah had picked me for such an elegant ocassion... did she not remember what I was like???



(The picture is a self portrait done in the bathroom to try and capture the glory of The Silver - my aim was not great.)

2. The Signing
Pretty much the only other thing I had to do was sign the wedding certificate. It was sitting on a little table, with three lit candles in front of it, two of them tapered. As I went to sit down I somehow hit one of the tapered ones (which were fairly unsteady looking anyhow) and it started falling towards my face. I think I caught it just as the flame danced upon my chin.

I propped it back up and wondered if it would have been a bad omen if I'd extinguished the flame of Sarah's family..... Then the celebrant came and started wiping at my chin, saying there was actually something there. So I had candle-ash on my chin.

I was then so flustered that I may have spelt some of the details on the certificate wrong (my street address...). There is a lot to write! And everybody is just sitting there watching and you get through it all and the celebrant tells you to write it all again on the second copy!

I was very close to almost burning the certificate or perhaps lighting my hairspray filled hair into a fire ball. Close escape....

3. The Wine
Sarah had recommended the pinot noir, which was $90 a bottle. I had a glass of that and kept thinking that it was odd I'd only had one sip.... then realised that the waiters were refilling it every time they came past. That's a worry.

The crowd was an odd combination of Germans, who seemed to stick together and liked speaking German and drinking.... and the kiwis, who were quite reserved. Hard to mingle in.

Once the dancing started I felt it my obligation to represent NZ on the floor. At first it was just Germans up there. So I downed a few more quick wines and got up. As conspicuous as I felt, in my shiny bottom-highlighting dress, I stayed dancing until the bitter end. I know that couples feel bad if they've hired a DJ and picked music and it's not utilised with dancing. Afraid the open bar was running out, I had a couple more glasses of wine.

By midnight I may have been starting to get tipsy. Maybe. It was just me and the Germans and I began 'speaking German'. It may have been just broken English with a thick German accent, but I felt it had to be done. Apparently I kept it up for quite some time. Me and the best man went back to our villa and the bride's parents and the brides and groom were still up having cups of tea. They evidently found me quite amusing and requested repeats of my stunning German the next day.

Meanwhile there was some lovely German boy I was supposed to meet, talk to, fall in love with and marry. I think I talked to him at the bar for five minutes when I was already on the way to my tipsy state. He seemed nice enough, but he didn't propose or anything.

4. The Bath

The villa was incredibly over the top and luxurious. It was like a mini Elton John mansion. Every room had a Chandler and every couch had 20 cushions. One of the bathrooms had a bath with mirrors on three sides of it. I had to try it.

I could not think of anything less appealing than standing up dripping wet and seeing naked Kates to infinity, but it provided me with a morbid fascination.

The post-wedding morning the mother of the bride offered me the use of ensuite with the mirrors. I had to take the opportunity. My ensuite only had a shower. A nice shower, albeit, but it had no porn-star mirrors.

It was surprisingly tasteful. Once you were sitting in the bath, you could only really see the top of your torso. I could have taken some very tasteful soft-porn of myself (had I not misplaced my camera in my drunken state). And by the time I stood up at the end, the mirrors had all fogged up.

In my wardrobe there was a big fluffy robe and slippers. I wore the slippers for most of the two days I was there. It may have looked odd, especially at the brunch the next day... but it had to be done. It was my Hugh Heffner touch.

PS - While I think the bride realised The Silver Dress was not my best look ever, there was no conversation about its ill-fitting-ness. It went unsaid. She was so on edge enough that I said I loved everything - and I mainly did. The Bride does not read my blog (hence I can be more candid here) but she does read my facebook (hence there is no mention of my trepidation towards the dress on there).

I'm not insulting her taste, as such. She is an incredibly stylish person. More so than myself. The dress itself would look stunning on a really thin person. The fact that she thought it would look good on me might really be a compliment to me.... and she did, in the end, let me wear my own shoes! (After I showed her a picture of them and they were deemed acceptable. Phew.)

A few people made some generic comments about me looking lovely, but a more common question was, 'So, did you get the dress or did the bride get it in London?' to which I would wholeheartedly say, 'Oh - she got it. In London.' That would satisfy their curiosity and I sensed sympathy at that point.

Phone Contact

I really don't like phones. I think it's a primary motivator to my career choice - not much use of telephones as a teacher. I cringe pretty much any time someone walks up to me with a phone and says it's for me. It can never be a good thing. Especially at work. It'll be someone trying to direct-market their printing services to me or it'll be some parent with an issue, to which the answer may well be 'Your kid just needs to harden up' (which is a response we're not allowed to use, by law....).

And that extends to my personal life. Phones are yuck. They are good when I'm trying to organise things with friends (even though I have been accused of being crap even at that interaction). They are good when I have a crush on a guy and he texts me something that actually means 'I was thinking of you' in code.

In most other contexts I do not like them.

They intrude upon the Bubble of Kate. They demand a response, even if I really don't want to give one. They haunt me if I don't respond and know I should.

I like this page of World Cup advertising stuff. Interesting ideas.

* * *

I like messing with kids.

My five year old step-neice has a chalk-board in her lounge.

She was getting me to draw pictures of the giant squid she'd seen at Te Papa the previous day. I got her flustered by drawing shoes and a moustache on it - she had to rub it out with her hands. But then she didn't mind when I gave it sharp teeth and drew blood around its mouth.

She liked it so much that she copied it at lunch. She kept hanging food out of her mouth and saying, 'It's my blooooood, like the squid.'

* * *

Saw a thriller from Argentina last night at the Penthouse. It came together nicely at the end (though rather conveniently). I can imagine it being remade in America with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts.....

* * *

I don't know why the quiz team vetoed my idea of 'Team Jacob' as our name. Even Ant admitted he'd turn gay for Jacob.

* * *

While my geometic moo-moo dress was a risky purchase, I'm glad I made it. Moo-moo dresses rule! They're the ultimate outfit to wear for a yum-cha lunch or family dinner at the Chinese restaurant. Just give me a sack with a belt and I'm happy!

And the 'muted colours' (as described by a Design student I teach) make me 'on trend'.

Yeah, I watch the E channel too much.......

* * *

I'm still miffed about the laundromat fantasies not being real. Today a guy came in when I'd just got up to put more money in my machine.... and I'd left my magazine at the chair I'd been sitting at..... and he stole my place! I had to rather obviously go and rescue my magazine from under the Magnum icecream he'd just put on top of it while he loaded his machine. Hmmmph!

* * *

The satay sauce in a pouch that you can get from Moore Wilson's or Pak 'n' Save (for pretty much the same price) is delicious! I may have mentioned this before, but I had some tonight with chicken and Singapore noodles and it was just like real takeaways! Look on the cold-shelf at your local.