I Now Know How to be a Woman

I went with Cass, Ange and Lauren to the WOMEN'S EXPO.

Here is my take.

1.
A woman needs to have good breath and soft skin.

Free Stuff
When you first go in, after paying $10, you get a bag of brochures and samples. Unless, that is, your name is 'Ange'. They seemed to leave the Extra gum, Colgate toothpaste and a few other things out of her bag. Sucked to be her.

Apparently to be a woman you need the following
- Two sachets of Dilmah jasmine tea
- A threepack of Extra Professional spearmint gum
- Two sachets of Palmer's Shea Butter formula hand-cream
- One sachet of Palmolive Naturals shampoo and conditioner
- One complimentary Healthwise magazine
- Two Tena ultra-thin mini pads with wings
- One tube of Colgate Sensitive
- A single tube of Nestle Double Blend Hot Chocolate mix

2.
Women like being given advice that is purely intuitive and based on magic boxes.

Three of us had varying experiences with a psychic, tarot reader and Quantum Philosopher. I will let the other two tell their stories if they want. They are good.

Mine is.....
Cassie had told me you could get allergy tests at the expo, which had appealed to me greatly. I get a lot of allergies and would find it useful to know exactly what they were from.

So I arrived at the stall and was imediately seized upon by one of the 'trainees'. She made me fill in a form that identified things such as how many glasses of water a day I drink, what I rate my stress levels from 1-10, how many kgs overweight I am, and how negative I feel about life. I was already starting to doubt the scientific validity of my allergy test.

She then dutifully typed it all into her laptop and explained that soon I would be placing my hand on the small black box in front of me, which was linked by a cable to her laptop. The box was about the size of a hand, with red lights on it and a metal plate on top. It did not look very magical.

But apparently, the magical box would be able to measure the pulses being sent from every organ in my body and it would shoot allergins up into my hand and see how I reacted to them.... Hmmmmm. I played along and kept my hand on there for a few minutes. I even thought I could feel things being sent up my arm. I may have been imagining that.

Then she gave me the results.
- I need to eat less, chew more (I agreed with that)
- I have good adrenil levels ('great' even - I am dubious about that)
- I have good brain functioning (I agree)
- I am fairly well hydrated but could drink a bit more water (sure, why not)
- My oxygen levels are good (this apparently links to my good brain function)

As far as allergies go, she said I was one of the best ones of the day (at this point I really started doubting her). My only above-average readings related to food allergies and smells (she noted on my sheet that I have a very sensitive nose). Apparently the following foods are ones I am paricularly sensitive to:
- mint
- asparagus
- honey
- white wine
- fish
- red delicious apples.

Apparently they can tell you even more if you go in for a full reading. I got all that info for only $20. To get that I have to go to the actual salon, which is called 'Karenz Health and Beauty'. Hmm.

What made me most dubious was that dust allergies didn't even show up and that's my worst. But I will be watching out for the evil mint now.

Kate is a cynic.

3.
Women like Food.

Fair enough. I got some citrus fudge (same as I had at the Craft Fair a few weeks ago) and some Belgium Chocolate Truffles. They are the most divine thing I have tasted in recent memory.

They prompted me and Ange to assert that chocolate IS in fact better than sex. These just melt in your mouth. And there's not the time and messiness factor of real sex.

4.
Women like cleaning.

Cass and Lauren marched around proudly with their Shammies. They got three giant shammies (the size of small bath towels). Next time there is a spill at your house, you'll know who to call.

5.
Funniest Moments

Ange: What'd you learn about your allergies?
Me: Well apparently I need to chew more. That's true - I do eat fast sometimes (note: we are both eating gelato we have purchased and Ange is finishing hers faster)
Me: Hmm, but I like things that need licking, then I'm very slow.
Cass: HAHAHAHAHAH.

Lauren: Where's your shammy, Cass?
(Cass looks around wildly and realises she's lost it somewhere in the Expo)
Cassie: I LOST MY SHAMMY!
(Cassie actually drops all her bags and runs back into the expo)
Me and Ange: HAHAHHAAHAHA

Ange: Apparently the psychic says my great grandmother is watching over me and guiding me.
(for hours afterwards, any time Ange is in a bind or mentioning something dodgey)
Me/Cass/Lauren: What would Great Grandma think, Ange?