Small but Hard Steps

Nicky-with-curly-hair told me years ago, back at Teachers' College, that to have a successful modern relationship you need to have a cell-phone and email. As a person without a cell-phone I thought she was ridiculous.... but now I know better! All that romance I could have been missing out on back in the early 2000's......

Here are some extracts from a long-term social project Cassie, Ange and I have called 'A Wellington Girl's Guide to Life'.
Chapter 17: The Break-up

There are two small steps you might be working towards which are tiny actions requiring less than a flick of the wrist, but milestones in your 'getting over him' phases.

1. The Cell Phone

If a relationship ends and it is obvious that you have no context to still be friends with the guy and you come to realise he may not have treated you as well as you deserved it is often somehow still hard to delete his number from your phone. There's still that 0.01% of your otherwise logical brain that thinks there may still be an 'I miss you! I made a terrible mistake!' text coming. You want to be able to say, 'Too bad! You missed out!' and feel better.

We come up with excuses like 'But I just want it there so that if he texts me I'll know who it is....' in order to justify not deleting his number.

In very unfortunate situations we send The Drunken Text asking oh-so-casually what he's up to late on a Saturday night. We try very hard to not have typos in this so as not to make him think we have become a pathetic shell of a lush post-breakup. We regret it the next day.

Even if he replies in an oh-so-casual manner, we realise it does not fit in with our dignified approach to The Break Up. Though, we may achieve a small amount of satisfaction if he was the last to text after this encounter.

Following The Drunken Text, we may realise it really is necessary to delete him from our phone. There are two veteran tricks to cheating at this. Firstly, you can leave something from him in your inbox which you will recognise from its contents, and thus even though he is not programmed..... if you need to you can still send The Drunken Text. Secondly, you can delete him fully from your phone, but write his number down somewhere handy.... just in case.....

The most healthy phase to reach is the where you delete his number without resorting to these two cheats. If you can do this you know you're at a 'good place'. It's much like when you burn your textbooks at the end of a course, or throw a perfectly good box of chocolates into the rubbish (after getting your friends to lick them - just in case that's not enough of a deterrant) when you're really starting a diet. Small acts - but symbolic signs of strength. Finality. The end of an era. Shows of strength. I DON'T NEED YOU ANY MORE, CHOCOLATE!

Just that one press of your button when the word 'Delete?' comes up on the screen is very meaningful. You can do it so that your friends around you just think you're texting flippantly.... it need not be a dramatic or public thing. But it's very final. It also helps to avoid 'the accidental text' which lets him know he's still on your phone...... Some people I know have even sent The Fake Accidental Text, just to see if he replies....... [for the record, he did - success.]

Another milestone is deleting all texts from them that you have saved in your inbox. I have a text from my 3rd date with my latest Ex that is still sitting undeleted in my inbox. It has lasted eight months. One day I'll delete it.

2. MSN

Ange warned me about this one after her break-up last year. If you have developed an MSN rapport with your Ex during the relationship, then it becomes very awkward to still have them pop up online once you have broken up.

It reminds you that they are still going about their everyday business.... but without you knowing anything about it. I somehow quite comfortably forget that they are people too. And them popping up on my screen gives me a visual of exactly where they're sitting, in their flat at the computer desk.... and I don't like this tangible reminder. It does not fit my egocentric view of the world. In my mind they are sitting humped over a glamour-photo of me, pining or getting fat and hideous so nobody else will ever want them....
Also, every time you see that they're online and they don't message you (though you rationally don't expect them to) it's a tiny rejection. Even if you don't like them anymore it would still be a tiny vindication if they wanted to see what you were up to...... And it's so easy to sound oh-so-casual via internet messaging. 'Sup?' 'Not much - u?' 'Same'
There is at the same time, of course, a voyeuristic pleasure in being able to tell what they are doing at any given time without having to resort to a spy-camera and binoculars. And the satisfaction of knowing they haven't deleted you yet either. Any time you don't see them for a few days you start to wonder if they have.... and then they pop up again. Phew. You still have the chance to get in first.

You hope that while they're online they're not sneakily reading your blog.....

I imagine (though I've not yet actually taken this step) that when you delete them from your MSN list it is yet another satisfying milestone.

Note: For now I've not done any of these things - though I guess it has been over three weeks now. Time flies.... I expect one day I will delete him. I don't expect in the meantime to have texted or MSNed him, so I'm not quite sure why it's rational to put it off. But it is.

See Chapter 18 for 'The Functional Breakup' after which you manage to remain friends - I have many examples to prove it is not a myth.

* * *

More Randomly

1. Why do boys like sitting in the lounge in the dark? Girls like having lights on as soon as it is dusk - unless we have set up candles or it is 'mood lighting' for a movie. Boys pull the blinds in the middle of the day. I am the only girl in my flat now. It's very dark.

2. Did anyone else see the amazing moon last night? I was driving home with Julie last night and we had a series of surreal events, one of which was looking up and noticing that the moon was the lowest we had ever seen it. It was one of those moons that you could reach out and touch. And it was huge! And yellow! Like in a Smashing Pumpkins video. Wish I'd had my camera with me.

3. I have managed to thus-far maintain the magic weight-loss I had on new year's day (after my night of drunken lushness). Long may that last! If it does not magically last I may have to resort to physical exercise. Bugger that. I even put on my 3rd loosest pair of jeans (the pair that has for months been too tight to wear without feeling like a masocist)... and they fit! Hoorah!

4. I have started to find common ground with the new flatmates. Enlgish-man#2 played the guitar in a band, likes Jeff Buckley and has been to Madison Square Garden (ditto all of those things for me, except not in a band). We both have well formed views on the demise of Michael Jackson and think the printing industry seems stressful and like something we would not like to be involved in. We both want it to be summer soon.

5. Today looks a bit like summer. I will tentatively leave my room and go outside for a while. Wish me luck....

Weekend Challenge (it will self-destruct in twenty seconds.... tick tick tick)

We three have decided that we will all write a top-ten list on a set topic every weekend. We are teachers. We like assignments.

Kate took her time coming up with a topic and then told it to us in a very animated fashion. We were all very ponderous and excited once we had decided what would be in OUR top ten list! [See the series of three photos to visualise this very genuine chain of events.]

The top ten list is:
THE TOP TEN GUYS WE WOULD HAVE ON OUR 'EXEMPT' LIST
Those of you who haven't see the Isabella Rosellini episide of 'Friends' may need an explanation. It is the top ten famous people who you would be allowed to have sex with if you met them (but you never will..... and even if you DID, they wouldn't want to sleep with YOU). Males may insert the word 'Girls' instead of 'Guys' into their list title.

Anyone else who wants to join our wee weekend project must finish their top ten list by 7pm Sunday night (NZ time).

GET TO WORK!