Down to size

So, I'm not sure if it's just me, or if all Grandmas like to cut to the chase and kick you in the guts. Anyhow, my Grandma tells it how she sees it!

1. We arrive to surprise her and she greets me with, 'Hello... You look skinnier than when I last saw you,' in an almost accusing tone. I ponder this and say, 'Really? Two years ago? Hmmm, not sure.' She keeps looking me up and down and says, 'Have you got The Anorexia or something?' I proceed to try and lighten the conversation by telling her about how my scales have been out by 5kg for a few years .....

2. About an hour later out of the blue she says, 'And what happened to that nice boy?' I come back with, 'What nice boy??? He wasn't that nice.' knowing full-well she is talking about my latest ex-boy. She says, 'Well, your dad and Lynne say he was nice.' I disagree. She shakes her head and tells me I need to be less fussy.

3. Later on, she pulls out some photos I sent her ages ago. There is one of me and the ex previous to that one. 'And what was wrong with him - was he nice?' she queries. 'Oh yeah - he was nice!' I say, nostalgically. She pauses and then changes tack. 'Hmm.... maybe it's you there's something wrong with..... not them.' Ouch! I mumble something about 'not being right for each other, maybe'.

4. At lunch the next day she gives me her piece of birthday cake. I'm kinda full, but I know better than to say no to Grandma trying to feed you. I eat the bit with icing and leave the rest. She notices I haven't finished, and goes on to tell the whole table about what a 'greedy guts' I used to be. She looks at me again and swears I've grown taller than when she last saw me (two years ago). I insist I have not, and that I was almost this height right from when I was a teenager. She says, 'It must just be that you were wider then - made you look shorter...... I tell you, she used to eat everything in sight!' Dad tries to deflect by saying that me and my brother must have inherited that trait from him..... I remember Mum telling me that when I went to stay with her for three weeks when I was in J2 she over-fed me so much that I came back and I'd gained a stone. And she always figured I'd lose it again once I was home, eating normally. But I never did! It's Grandma's fault I had puppy fat all those years! Damned ice-cream freezer.

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Anyhow, I do love my Grandma! She means well.